A Sporting Gentleman’s Guide to Pub Golf
Posted by admin
Without further ado, here are the rules as compiled by the Honorable Z, as passed to him by the locals of the Australian Outback:
A Sporting Gentleman’s Guide to
The Rules of the Golf Links:
Publican Tour Edition
THE BASICS
Rule #1 - All participants must sport the proper attire. The more proper the better. Acceptable fashions include argyle, madras, collared shirts, sweaters, golf spikes, knickers, high socks, single white gloves, and pretty much anything handed down from your granddaddy. If you are not in proper attire, you are not in the game. You are a caddy at best and you are not allowed to drink*.
The 18-HOLE COURSE is to be a predetermined hit-list of 18 bars and pubs. The order can be set before or played by ear (remember cadets: real pros must be able to adjust on the fly. Recall the time when Tiger had to use a lefty club?).
Rule #2 - At least 18 DRINKS must be predetermined as well. These will be randomly chosen from a hat at each of the holes. Each must be assigned a corresponding PAR which refers to the amount of strokes in which it must be consumed. Each sip is a stroke. A sip is the period from when liquid first touches your lips until it last touches your lips. Examples: Long Island Ice Tea - Par 5, White Russian - Par 3. This means that a Long Island must be consumed in five sips and a Lebowski in three. Write the drinks on index cards with their par and draw one from a hat before each hole. Note: feel free to designate certain drinks to certain holes. For instance, if a bar has a specialty or if the Mexican Cantina you’d prefer to shoot tequila than chug a martini.
Suggestion #1 - Every player should have a partner to monitor and be monitored by for keeping accurate account of strokes. Everyone records everyone’s scores on their SCORECARD.
Rule #3 - Each hole will have a TEE MASTER who is responsible for selecting the drink and buying the round (keep track of tabs and even out at the end so that people don’t get gypsied). This position rotates throughout the day. Once per hole, the Tee Master may yell “FORE”. The last player to duck/slap the ground will receive a stroke penalty.
Player with the lowest score, having completed the course, is the winner. Everyone else is his bitch.
STROKE PENALTIES
Rule #4 - Players must mark their drink with a COIN when they lift it from the bar or table surface on each stroke. Failure will result in an additional stroke.
Rule #5 - Players who score a hole-in-one are required to get to one knee and do a Tiger Woods style celebratory FIST PUMP. Failure will result in an additional stroke.
Once per hole, the Tee Master and yell “FORE”. The last player to duck/slap the ground will receive a stroke penalty.
Rule #6 - Players who VOMIT will receive the max strokage of 8 on that hole. If in between holes, they will take the max on the next hole.
Rule #7 - Three holes will predetermined as WATERHOLES. Players who use the restroom at these holes will take a stroke penalty.
Rule #8 - Striking another player with an object will make you a hero among most players, but it comes with the high cost of a stroke penalty.
Kimi’s Rule - If you lose something that everyone has to track down. You take a stroke penalty. Unless you share with everyone.
STROKE BONUSES
Suggestion #2 - The Tee Master may switch the chosen drink for Pabst Blue Ribbon or Miller High Life in bottles and receive a stroke bonus.
Rule #9 - If any bartended or waitress asks “Will there be any thing else?”, any player responding with “A bucket balls!” may deduct a stroke from that hole. [Everyone always forgets this one.]
Rule #10 - Players may deduct a stroke for getting a number from the preferred sex on their scorecard. Limit one per hole. Pun intended.
Rule #11 - Any player caught playing Golden Tee will be rewarded with a stroke deduction. No imitations!
Rule #12 - Drinking an additional drink at a hole is good for a stroke off.
“TIPS”
Start early. This shit is serious. If you have any hopes of finishing get out to the greens early and make a day out of it.
Go to the closest course and grab some little pencils. The details can make all the difference.
Print your scorecards out on card stock. People will be impressed/horrified by how serious you and your buddies take your novelty drinking excursions.
Smoke some cigars.
Drink water. You will probably crash if you don’t balance your liquid intake.
Take a meal break between the front nine and the back nine. This is usually when the wheels start falling off anyway.
Have a caddy or at least one on standby in case you need to change locations.
Get bars that have cover in the evening out of the way early.
Pee on stuff.
Document the occasion.
Avoid the Salinas Gang Task Force.
- Z -
2 Responses to “A Sporting Gentleman’s Guide to Pub Golf”
-
Botainikick Says:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:07 pmOther variant is possible also
-
gogresquemers Says:
January 2nd, 2010 at 6:53 amI am often looking for brandnew posts in the internet about this subject. Thanx.
